I am in the process of devising something a bit fancier for this, but in the meanwhile, here is a running list of the individuals who are slowly but surely culminating into a creative cauldron of my dreams and desires. Over the past 45 days we have managed to raise $6,375 towards making/completing a new album that I am, already, very proud of.
To all of the people who have believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself, and for those of you who have taken it upon himself/herself to lift me up from the dirty floor of my own self-doubt, brushed me off, and then patted me on the ass to send me back on my way, thank you.
Here are a list of people doing that right now:
Austin Young
Amy Armitage
Robin Matthew Boomer
Stevie Wilson
Brett Collery
Doreen Vitale
Liz Travers
Joshua Day
Ashley Hectus
Peter Ledford
Lauren Simpson
Monica Harris
Jamie Jackson-Gaggos
Talbert Carley
Steven Sauler
Hal Felzer
Bob Owen
Shannon Carl
Robin Coker
Lisa Gatz
Ryan Corum
Sarah Coker
Scott Michelson
Greg Picard
Michelle Hastie
Dustin Buss
Roman Marcel Valdez
Peter Moore
Tiffany Moore
Justin Hectus
Michelle Macis
Fern Rouintree
Louis Krivda
Christy Samson
Elaine Alvarez
Brittany Bontempo
Blacktop Royalty
Martyn Cohen
Jennifer Messer
Amy Leonhardt
Chris Ferguson
Simone Elliot
Derek Horne
Shannon Widmer
Jessica Wilkirson Nicholson
Brent Dickason
Ryan Honick
Paul Hines
Geoff Ereth
Jason Lomheim
Kurt Hunter Hoover
Michael Edward
Alan Corcoran
Karen
Reeves Callaway
Carey Taylor Brown
Christina Bailey
Ernesto Chavarria
Rick Sweeney
April Stom
John Parschauer
Leak Worthy (Scott Radmacher)
Donna Vitale
Sara Bollwinkel
Cindy Sicchio
Jessica Kennard
Eric Lane
Chalise Gad
Dana Everhart
Jordan Hectus Danel
Matthew Ladensack
Shalom Bay
Chuck Lawrence
Brett Bixby
Reina Vazquez
Ryan Jones
Nikolas Albury
Chris Childers
Nancy Sanchez
Lee Allen
Gayle Skidmore
Kyle Miller
Jesse Macleod
Rick Day
Nikki Jones-Callaway and the entire Jones-Callaway clan (Robbie, Courtney, Whitney, J.P., Walker, and Lili)
Jaime Maragni
Brady Walsh
Reina Vazquez
Bridget Mackiewicz
Carol Smock
Barbara Ishida
Adam Cuomo
Heidi Luerra
Heather McElmeel Ardent
Jim Vitale
Wayne Cameron
Jayme Parsons-Harper
Ron Ciampa
Eric Vasquez
Randy Cotta
Adam Gentner
Misty Thorne
Darin Martineau
Giana Nguyen Foster
John Sinambal
Michael Flores
Mike Debnam
Peter Guzman
Carlie Stone
Lauren Purdum
Jason Owen Soderlund
Erik Gomez
Kelli Roa
Kathleen Niakan
Holden Lager
Melanie De Jonge
Melissa McKenzie
Jason Uchita
Erin Dudley-Krizek
Sue Lingl
Fiel Aranda
Ryan Lopez
Andy Lara
Alice Wallace
Ryan
Matthew Vitale
Richard Tsu
To the people listed above, we are making something really special, together, I promise. I couldn’t imagine a better crew of people to be taking this journey with. Thank you!
If you’re interested in joining this list, you can do so by pre-ordering a digital download/CD or contributing, below:
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/481622839/do-you-smell-that-it-smells-like-a-dope-album-to-m
This is the my first effort at writing fiction, I suppose. I wrote this story in the fall of last year and submitted it for publication shortly there after. It’s been sitting on my computer, tapping its foot, waiting for me to do something with it. Perhaps it might get published; perhaps it might not; it will be awhile until I hear back from anyone regarding such. Either way, I think it’s a great story. I hope you like it too.
THE FATHER, THE SON, and THE HOLY GHOST
by Michael Patrick Vitale
“Oh Jesus,” Edward says as he leans away from his wife and closer towards his passenger window, getting a better view of the protestor’s primal volcanism. The crowd outside just noticed his limousine and begins to ooze from the sidewalk, into the roadway, blocking his driver’s path. Edward’s eyes languidly survey the crowd of activists as he shakes his head in disbelief and rests his nose on the cold glass for a moment. His view of the estrangement outside is gradually lost as his passenger-side window fogs up from the warm air of his breath, pulsing against his chilled view of the world outside.
The soft and eloquent leather of Edward’s seat squeaks and crackles as he sits back.
His wife, Lauren, breaks the silence with a soft sympathetic click of her tongue. She says, “People are equally as fickle as they are thankful Edward, especially when new ideas challenge the beliefs they were raised on.”
Their driver slowly parts the ocean of protestors with their brightly painted signs, chanting, “Life is sacred, death should be respected.” The limousine eventually settles in front of an elegant architectural tower of steel and glass—the epicenter of the crowd’s disdain: Cosgrove Industries.
Lauren leans in towards her husband and says, “Perhaps faith is like that foggy window of yours,” kissing him on the lips, and then fading back towards her seat, his chin resting on her delicate fingertips, “and science… science will allow those people outside the opportunity to get their nose off of the glass and clear away the condensation that obscures their view.” She slowly draws her hand back and adjusts the geometry of her head so that she is staring up, squarely into Edward’s eyes. She smiles.
Edward does his best to return the smile, but his efforts more closely resemble a guy yanking his cheeks up towards his eyes.
He looks down at his feet.
Lauren can’t help but giggle from his effort and says, “Are you smiling or wincing?
“That was supposed to be a smile.” Edward fidgets with the handle on his door.
“Could have fooled me, Clint Eastwood.”
Edward chuckles.
“Ah, there he is.”
He smiles, this time, of the far more authentic variety.
“I feel like a magician,” clapping her hands together. I just made that furrow in your brow… disappear,” pushing her hands apart from one another with a glitter of dancing fingers like a macabre entertainer.
They both laugh for a moment.
The driver exits the vehicle and sluggishly elbows his way around the protestors surrounding the limousine in order to open the door for Mr. Cosgrove.
As Edward’s passenger door opens the furious clatter and chants of the protesters pierce the silent steel bubble they had a moment ago. He puts his right hand on the roof of the car to exit, looks back at his wife and shouts over the noise, “Today is the day. I can feel it.”
Lauren wags her head in understanding. “Tell mother I said hello and give your father my love,” hollering over the commotion from outside.
Edward leans in to kiss his wife goodbye and silently mouths the words I love you before stepping into the street.
The intonations from the protesters echo off the face of his huge downtown skyscraper, housing 37 separate business endeavors first began by Mr. Edward J. Cosgrove nearly 44 years ago at the tender age of 18. Nearly all of his business efforts have reshaped human existence. His inventions, discoveries, and philanthropy have allowed the blind the basic human right of reading their personal mail or gaping in awe from a vanilla-orange sunset; the deaf to listen to an ocean and appreciate the numerous works of Beethoven; the paralyzed the ability to walk to the bathroom and relieve themselves, not to mention the necessary clean up afterwards, in privacy.
He pushes forward, trailblazing with his arms and elbows amongst the hysteria surrounding his enormous place of business and slowly works his way forward, away from the limousine behind him. Peripherally, he hears a break from the two-tone chant emanating from all around him. He hears a man; his violent words strike him like the sound of colliding steel amongst the everyday noise of commuter traffic: “You’re a fucking monster.” He feels something wet hit his face. Cosgrove digs through his jacket pocket, stops, and then wipes away the sulfur-hued snot from his face with a handkerchief, resuming his efforts towards the front entrance of Cosgrove Industries without looking back.
The opulent ground floor of his building houses a lovely fountain with holographic images projecting onto a dancing wall of water. Structural pillars double as towering, concise, digital screens, projecting relaxing computer-animated simulacrum to the visitor: flowers, ponds, stone gardens, flowing water, aquariums. Edward waves to the on-duty security guard. He calls the elevator. Going up. Edward feels close to home.
110th floor. The elevator chimes; the doors slide open. Edward takes a deep breath, exhales, smiles, and then moves forward saying, “Good morning, Mother.”
“Good morning, Son. How’s my baby doing?”
“Oh, better—now that I’m here.”
“That’s good, baby. That’s wonderful. Don’t let the troglodytes outside bother you. Today is the big day. Your father will be so proud. We should wake him.”
“I agree, Mother.” Edward points with his thumb like a hitchhiker. “I’m going to go grab a cup of coffee down the hall and we’ll get started.”
“Oh dear, I wish you wouldn’t rely on coffee so much.”
Edward walks briskly towards the break room, conceding to his mother’s testament with a simple gesture: both hands, raised in front of him. “I know, I just like the way I think afterwards.”
“I’ll wait for you here,” she says with a fine-have-it-your-way laugh.
After Edward pours himself his first cup of coffee, he turns away from the kitchenette and leans his body against the countertop. He takes a cautious sip and stares at the wall adorned with his various accomplishments: A Bachelor of Science Degree in Computer Science from MIT, a Bachelor of the Arts Degree in Anthropology from Harvard University, an M.D. from Harvard Medical School, American Medical Writers Association Awards, an Inventor of the Year award from MIT, The Nation Medal of Technology, and honorary doctorate degrees from several major universities, amongst many others. Like his Mother and Father, both MIT graduates and scientists, he has focused his life on the pursuit of knowledge, and the betterment of humanity. Many of the exponential leaps in modern medicine and computer science all have Edward J. Cosgrove to thank for his contributions—both intellectual and financial. While still attending Harvard Medical School, Cosgrove sold his first business venture for $500,000 to Reed, Sterling, and Deerworth. He in turn used this capitol to finance his ideas and subsequent business ventures, eventually becoming a billionaire philanthropist. If he hasn’t thought it up, he’s most likely financed it.
His recent accolades have all stemmed from his research and breakthroughs using nanotechnology, focusing on the medical benefits of these devices. Edward’s current financial and intellectual endeavors are centered on the mapping of the human brain, using advancements in nanotechnology and his subsequent development of artificial intelligence. He, as well as his mother and father, have worked diligently to answer questions regarding self-awareness.
Edward takes another sip of his coffee and saunters back into the main laboratory, hand in pocket. “So, how is father doing?”
She settles on a sighing, “Oh,” a very low pitch emanating from the primal basement of doubt and worry, before continuing: “His vital signs are stable however I am especially worried about him today. He’s been pretty unresponsive to most of my conversation this morning… I imagine he’s just a bit nervous.”
“To be honest, Mother, I’m a bit nervous.”
“Oh, you needn’t be dear. He’s a strong man—this is why I love him. Everything will work out just as planned.”
As Edward walks towards his father’s medical quarters, he asks, “Is he still sleeping?”
“Yes, we should wake him.”
Down the hall from the main laboratory, a frail Joseph Cosgrove rests comfortably on an assisted breathing device. Granted, there were the salad days without the bedpan, on the other hand, there was a time in Joseph’s youth when he used to relieve himself in an outhouse. He has seen the advent of the automobile. He’s witnessed a human being escape the confines of Earth’s gravity for the first time, conquer the math behind acquiring an orbit, and finally landing on the moon. He’s gaped at the advent of nuclear energy. He and his colleagues were responsible for the first functioning quantum computer at MIT. He’s discovered, first hand, the benefits of nanotechnology. And in his old age, he has witnessed the first unique artificial intelligence to display, at least what appears to be, human emotion.
Edward Cosgrove slowly runs his fingers through his dad’s hair and whispers into his ear, “Good morning dad. How are you feeling this morning?”
Joseph groggily opens his eyes, lifting his volatile left hand to move the breathing apparatus from his mouth in order to speak. However, Edward gets there first and gently urges his father’s erratic hand back to a resting position. Joseph smiles softly and says, “Hey Tiger, good morning.
“Today is the big day, dad. Are you ready?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be, Edward. However, I’m wondering if you’re prepared for this.”
“Oh believe me, father, I can hardly contain my excitement! Think of the possibilities! Eventually, you’re going to be able to run again! The subcontracted development of a full-body prosthesis for you has been completed and is in testing as we speak. We are continuing our efforts on the fully organic equivalent. After I am satisfied with their results on your new organic body, I will give the green light on testing.
Joseph’s brow furrows suddenly during his son’s excitement as he sighs and looks away. He says, “Son, I’ve been avoiding this conversation for far too long. We need to talk.” Joseph takes a moment to gather him self before beginning what he knows to be an uncomfortable exchange of words. “Have you ever considered the spiritual implications behind what you are attempting?”
“What do you mean dad? Like whether or not God would approve?” He chuckles, “Dad you know that I’ve never been one to believe in century old cults—some omnipotent grandfather who observes my scientific trespasses from some ethereal cloud, passing judgment on what he views as my indiscretions. Besides, I don’t need that anyway.” Edward points emphatically towards his father’s 110th floor window. “If I wanted or required anyone to pass judgment on my actions, I could simply visit the mayhem happening down stairs; I’m sure they would be more than happy to accommodate.”
“Oh son, that’s not what I mean.” Joseph closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep and difficult breath, “I don’t know where I am going—I don’t know whether there is somewhere for me to go. I know that I am here right now, with you, but will I be when everything is complete?
Edward leans in to his father with deep sincerity, “Yes,” he whispers in a breathy confidence, “absolutely! I know that everything will be just as it is now.”
“How do you know that for you sure, Edward? Despite all of the research, despite all of your hard work, despite all of your success, as scientists, we can only make conjectures when it comes to the unique nature of self-awareness. You have mapped the human brain, and we think we understand the biochemistry behind its function: but, does that really lend towards any further understanding of the human soul?” Joseph leans on those last two words with all the urgency and passion he can muster—his words, then, like a dead body, slowly lose their buoyancy, sinking into the dark depths of a calm lake of silence. He tries to make eye contact with Edward. “Here you are talking to me right now—I want you to ask me a question.”
Intrigued by Joseph’s request, Edward leans in slightly. “What question would you like me to ask you, dad?”
This pleases Joseph, “I want you to ask me whether I’m alive.”
Edward pauses, “Are you alive?”
“No,” Joseph whispers, delicately.
Edward scoffs, “That’s obviously a lie, pop.”
Joseph’s face brightens with the opportunity of debate, grinning as he continues with his argument. “How do you know whether my answer is truth or lie, son? You don’t—it’s impossible for you to. Any form of intelligence is capable of a lie, whether organic or artificial. Think back on the early forms of artificial intelligence we created together using algorithms. Our Talkbot application would learn to answer questions and hold conversations based off of all previous interaction with humans—much like how a human child learns to communicate. Now, you tell me: if you were to ask Talkbot if it were alive, what would its answer have been?”
Edward prods his tongue into the lower-right molars of his mouth. He knows his father has a good point, and this is no comfort to their situation. Having sufficiently milked his ego of its pride like a morning cow, Edward replies, “Talkbot would say, ‘Yes, I’m alive’.”
“Exactly, son—and perhaps it was. Who are we to know? We are not Talkbot. There is no certainty to science; we only pretend to lay a great foundation for our collective knowledge on some strange beast of lie we call fact: a well-thought-out and tested thesis arrived at, scientifically, and widely accepted as nothing short of actual. And sadly, the more intelligent we become as a species, conversely, the more inclined are we to prejudice and ignorance, completely unawares of all our transgressions in those departments; we conduct ourselves with far more certainty than we deserve, even through our rigid observational methods and standards. We’re blinded by our own scientific dogma and satisfied enough to elevate ourselves to the complexities and chaos of creation if not just to satiate our curiosity about its elegance… and deep mystery.”
Edward stares off at some indistinguishable point on a wall while Joseph continues. “Look, son. I know that I am. I have experiences that are solely my own by interpretation. I know that I think and perceive in a manner that is unique unto me, and my brain. However, do any of us really know for certain how this equates to the soul? My brain, in all its subtle intricacies, creates I, and I am my brain. Can the two be separated from one another? Despite your research and findings, I am not so sure.”
Edward is becoming noticeably flustered and Joseph pauses.
“Well, what about Mother?” Edward asks.
Joseph licks his parched and cracked lips and says, “Yes, what about your mother”—Joseph chuckles, “son you are an absolute marvel. I am so very proud of you. I need you to know that. Within our lifetime, your mother and I have created great many a thing, but you, by far, are the greatest of our creations. I remember the day you were born. Have I ever told you that story?”
Edward closes his eyes and shakes his head slowly from shoulder to shoulder.
Joseph continues, “If I remember correctly, your mother and I were at a party celebrating the completion of a processor we had been entrenched in for the past several months at MIT. I remember that we were both speaking with Richard Fulbright,” Joseph’s eyes gloss over with a sweet reminiscent glaze, “he was quite the character. He had such a vivid imagination and a wicked sense of humor. He was actually responsible for most of the databases compiled on human subjects in order to improve our artificial intelligence research—human experiences and so forth. At any rate, your mother and I were nearly in tears from some story that Richard was telling us when her water broke. I remember feeling like an absolute wreck as I rushed her to the hospital. It was in the wee hours of the morning, and your mother was a few weeks early. The doctor arrived in a posh tuxedo from a dinner party and didn’t have enough time to get scrubbed up before you came popping out—you were always in a hurry.” Joseph grins and can’t help but laugh as he reaches the climax of his story. “No sooner did you burst out of your mother than did you urinate all over the good doctor.” His laughter segues into a violent fit of coughing. Joseph regains his composure, smiles again up at his son, and does his best to clear his throat and continues with the story. “Anyway, the doctor says, ‘Well, at least we know that works’.”
Joseph puts his worn hand over his son’s. “Mister, you were always destined to make a lasting impression.”
Edward begins to cry and rests his head on his father’s chest.
“Son, I need you to know that you weren’t responsible for what happened to your mother. Complications are what they are. No one could have foreseen the health issues that arose from her condition after she gave birth. She lived a long and fruitful life and had the blessing of seeing you before she passed. She would be so absolutely proud of you had she the opportunity—I know this in my heart.”
Joseph anchors his shaking hand on Edward’s cheek, “You have done amazing things with Richard’s database and research. She seems as real as the wife I knew and loved.”
Joseph is suddenly overcome with a far more violent fit of coughing; his breathing becomes erratic and he loses consciousness. Edward tries to help his father with his breathing apparatus. The electrocardiogram suddenly jumps from a steady rhythmic pulse to an erratic and random set of V’s along the screen. Edward pushes away the stool he was sitting on and quickly moves towards the computer equipment permeating the outskirts of his father’s medical quarters with the composure of confidence.
“Mother, bring the servers online and begin the database transfer from father’s hippocampus and frontal lobes. I need you to initiate a complete secondary brain scan. Make sure that everything we have is current in terms of content. Mother, do we have a compatible rhythm for defibrillation?”
“Data transfer and secondary brain scan initiated. Hold on, Joseph. Current readings suggest cardiopulmonary resuscitation.”
Edward moves over to his father’s bedside, crosses his hands over Joseph’s chest and begins rapidly compressing for several minutes.
“That’s good, Edward; I have what I need to begin defibrillation.”
Joseph’s frail muscles contract with each electrical pulse. After several attempts, the electrocardiogram moves from frequent and erratic V’s, to a slow and wavy line.
“Data transfer and secondary brain scan complete. We have what we need, Edward.”
“Excellent. It’s 11:47 AM. I’m calling it. Go ahead and reboot the servers and let’s see what we’ve got.”
Several minutes pass before Mother begins to laugh hysterically.
“What is it, Mother?”
She continues to chuckle as she says, “Oh, it’s your Father. He’s always known how to make me laugh.”
Edward sits back down on his stool and crosses his fingers together in the shape of a small temple, full of all his hopes, desires, and fears. He comes to rest his mouth on this fashioned temple made of his own two hands, takes and gives breath to its fleshy and unique walls, and speaks from its altar: “Daddy, are you there.”
“Yes, Son.”
Greetings,
This is a preview of a tune I produced with some friends of mine. It will be on my new album. I’m in the process of saving up money to complete the mixing and mastering of the disc.
My friend’s sister showed him this podcast. He, in turn, showed it to me. If you should feel so compelled: pass it on.
TED CONOVER: “Sing Sing Tattoo”
“When everybody starts hovering over me, I get cross, then sad, and finally end up turning my heart inside out—the bad part on the outside, and the good part on the inside, and keep trying to find a way to become what I’d like to be, and what I could be, if only there were no other people in the world.”
http://www.tedconover.com/2010/01/sing-sing-tattoo/
I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. This is human. This is storytelling.
Touring by your self is fun, but touring with Cory Joseph is funner. 1
Having done a few college and university tours all by my lonesome, I can attest that having company makes all the difference.
In fact, just a few days into my first tour up the West Coast, I found myself deeply starved for human interaction: I remember having a quite an interesting and long winded conversation with some random dude on the street in Seattle who was trying desperately to sell me crack or a hand job only moments before… and if hindsight truly is 20/20, I think I should have been doing this a long time ago, and I don’t mean smokingcrack, accepting hand jobs from strangers, or having longwinded conversations—I mean touring with dudes like Cory.
We had a lot of fun on our brief stint up the West Coast—
April 18th 2010 – Visalia House Concert
April 19th 2010 – 210 Café in Visalia, CA
April 23rd 2010 – Red Rocks Café in Mountain View, CA
April 25th 2010 – The Kilns in Bend, OR
but in all honesty, Cory beat me to the punch in terms of blogging about it in a very engaging fashion. So, if you find yourself yearning for a more comprehensive and chronological account of our exploits, I invite you to check out Cory’s blog (not to mention his music):
More blogs coming soon (I have a lot to write about), so stay tuned.
- Mike
- Oh, I can hear it now. You’re probably thinking, funner isn’t a real word. Well you know what, yes it is, and I’ll explain why. Ignoring any instructor induced grammatical hoopla exemplifying that it isn’t a real word, or for that matter all educational and/or spell check standards aside, the primary function of any language is communication and understanding. So, considering that you understand what I am saying when I spout out “funner,” it really is a word.
Dear Mike,
I want to be upfront with you about the way I’ve felt lately, and I know that you feel the same way I do considering how close we are (both figuratively and physically). I need you to know that the decisions you make have a profound effect on my happiness and general comfort level—and I must say, your decisions lately have inevitably led to a great deal of discomfort and unhappiness on my part, hence this letter.
You see, it all started with your latest purchase: a pair of briefs—underwear, at the local designer clothing store. For years now, you have done right by me, taking great care in purchasing what I like: boxer briefs. Generally, and in my humble opinion, I think you look far more attractive in them; they are loose and casual, comfortable and dynamic in their flow and adhesiveness—I feel quite at home in them.
Now, I am all about self-exploration (I mean, come on, we’ve had our fair share of creative shenanigans together—you remember that time with the rubber bands?), and I certainly want you to try new things, or in this particular case, retry new old things that you used to do 20 to 25 years ago when you didn’t have a choice (Christmas was always socks and Fruit of the Loom briefs from mom and dad—hi mom and dad), but I digress.
Look, I was fine when you came home with the first pair of brand new designer briefs from the store a week or two ago, but then, as if to add insult to injury, YOU BOUGHT TWO MORE PAIR! What on Earth were you thinking? I’m getting the cold sweats just thinking about this—it’s like I’m stuck with this decision in much the same manner as I am your leg, and I don’t like it! It’s like my creative and general comfort level suffocates as the borders of your briefs draw closer and closer to me with every wash and dry cycle—those 100% cotton abominations! YOU should be ashamed! That wedgie you are feeling right now up your fault line is no fault of mine and you know it—think of the cocoa brown stains that could happen if you weren’t thorough.
What would a lady friend think of that? Answer me!
[deep breath] I’m sorry…
I need to know: is it something I did or said? Look, I love you and I want you to be happy. Talk to me. We can work this out. I just want everything between us (specifically, our underwear) to be more like how it used to be—when the things between us were fresh, more boxer-brief-like, and consensual.
Sincerely,
Your Testicles
My friend Tina forwarded this to me this morning, and I thought that this was absolutely necessary to share:
These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts,” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes .
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ _______________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________ _________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male.
_____ _______________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: I believe so. If not, he was by the time I finished.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Hey Everybody,
So, like a complete idiot, I didn’t snap any shots from the stage when I played the first round of the Best Acoustic Showcase for the Orange County Music Awards, however, luckily, some people with professional camera equipment did. So through the magic of my blog, I thought I would share a couple of shots from January 26th at The Gypsy Den in Santa Ana. I can honestly say that every musician killed that night and it was an absolute pleasure sharing the stage with my friends Kurt Hunter, Brittany Bontempo, and Marc B. It was also awesome to make new friends The Vacuum Bell, I hate you just kidding, and some of the members of Canvas.
For more coverage of this year’s Orange County Music Awards, you can visit the following links:
http://www.ocmusicawards.com/
http://www.ocmusicawards.com/blog/
Thank you to everyone that came out—I think the OCMA’s estimated that there was around 225 people that came out to support that night! I hope you all had fun.
Can you find yourself in some of the crowd shots? It’s like “Where’s Waldo,” but without the stripped shirt.
- Mike
Hey Everybody,
So, I’m in the process of a booking a spring tour with Cory Joseph in late April/early May along the West Coast! We are going to be playing college/university campuses, house shows, venues, etc..
We are always looking for help in terms of places to visit and play, so if you are interested in helping us out by setting up any of the above mentioned, nothing is out of the question. Leave a comment below and we’ll get back to you right quick.
However, more importantly, we need a name to christen our tour. Here are some suggestions that Cory and I both came up with this morning:
a.) Two Guys, one cup [this seemed a bit gross to me].
b.) The Italian Stallion Tour
c.) Two guys, one Mike.
What do you think? Leave a comment below with some suggestions and we’ll pick the best one and carry it with us as our shining moniker as we travel the West Coast like a bunch of gypsies. Bring it on. Ready… go!
No, I wasn’t a Latchkey Kid—my mom was there waiting at home for me every day at 3:00 PM. In fact, I would be the first to say that there is nothing wrong with being a Latchkey Kid (as I had quite a few friends growing up who were). Besides, this song is not really about being a Latchkey Kid. It’s really about parents taking the time out of their life to love their children. A child’s journey becoming someone unique and relevant in this world starts with his or her parents as a foundation and blueprint, for which there is no substitute.
ALSO
Welcome to my first installment of bedroomCLASSICS: This is a brand new song called “Latchkey Kid” and it is going to be on my next album which I am currently in the process of writing. I debuted it at The 2010 Orange County Music Awards Showcase a week or so ago—I wish I could adequately describe the pleasure, gratification, and magic of having 200 people sing along to a song. Perhaps we all have a bit of Latchkey Kid inside of us—or perhaps not. Either way, I hope you like it: I’ve included the words below the video.
Latchkey Kid
Words and Music: Mike Vitale
Coloring books when I was nine
Anything that I could do to pass the time
Finished up my homework after I go home from school
Built a blanket fort in my living room
Set the oven to 400 degrees myself
Perched up on the countertop to reach a kitchen shelf
It’s dinner time, and my parents are nowhere to be seen
So corn dogs and fish sticks are my routine
I’m a Latchkey Kid, and nobody cares about the trouble that I’m gettin’ in
I’m a Latchkey Kid, and nobody cares about the trouble that I’m gettin’ in
Waiting by the phone for my parents to call
Staring at our family portrait hanging on the wall
My daddy says no TV if stay up too late
Too bad he aint here to regulate
I’m a Latchkey Kid, and nobody cares about the trouble that I’m gettin’ in
I’m a Latchkey Kid, and nobody cares about the trouble that I’m gettin’ in
Sometimes my father would come home late
And my mother would be drunk by then, smell perfume, and throw a dinner plate
No one to read me story when I tuck myself into bed
So I dream of love
I dream of love
and then start my day again
I’m a latchkey kid, and nobody cares about the trouble that I’m gettin’ in
I’m a latchkey kid, and nobody cares about the trouble that I’m gettin’ in
I’m a latchkey kid
I’m a latchkey kid
I’m a latchkey kid















