A Brief Interview with Myself

 Me, with my eyes closed.

Me, with my eyes closed.

I recently had the luxury of sitting down with myself to conduct an exclusive interview and wanted to share the intricacies of this conversation.  While, on a surface level, Mike seems like a wonderful person, in my own humble opinion, it became increasingly apparent as our interview unfolded that he doesn’t handle questions very well—you decide.

Mike:  So, what was the inspiration behind this interview with your self?

Mike:  Well Mike, I think a one-half serving of Playboy’s Playmate of the month interviews, and God knows what else—I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.  It’s like the story behind the breasts, except—I don’t have breasts.

Mike: Well, we should probably be moving forward to the first question.

What are your biggest turn-ons?

Mike:  Definitely when someone asks good questions—and a sense of humor.  You seem to lack one of these traits.

Mike:  What are your biggest turn-offs?

Mike:  Talking to myself: this conversation is over.  Just kidding.  

Mike:  What’s the worst place for a guy to hit on you?

Mike:  Pretty much anywhere.  I mean that politely.  I mean, it’s nice feeling attractive to either sex, but, you know…  I had a guy hit on me at a karaoke bar a few years—I was shocked by his horrible singing voice, and he was taken aback by my preference for vagina.

Mike:  What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever heard?

Mike:  It’s less of a pickup line, and more of an effort to get my attention.  The same guy I mentioned previously was snapping pictures of me from the table next to ours trying desperately to make eye contact with me—I think he had his fair share of wine that night and was craving some Italian.

Mike:  What’s the best or most creative pick-up line you’ve ever heard?

Mike:  What is it with you and pickup lines?   I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone use a pickup line on me before—I’ve had someone buy me a drink.  Does that count?

Mike:  What approach is most likely to work with you?

Mike:  Are we talking about boys or girls?  Where the hell are you getting these questions from?

Mike:  What signals do you give to a man when you want him to make the first move?

Mike:  You seriously took these questions straight out of a Playboy Playmate of the Month interview, didn’t you.  Did you consider reversing the gender to make this appropriate and applicable in terms of a standard interview?  What can someone possibly walk away with here?  They’ve learned nothing about me!

[I seem noticeably flustered].

I don’t know—maybe you could ask me some questions about my recent name change back to Mike Vitale from The Hawkline Monster.  Maybe you could ask me about why I did that?!

Who knows, we could even go out on a limb and talk about how I am re-releasing some material from the last The Hawkline Monster album, as well as the previous single, Running Away From Home in the next week or two, on all streaming services like Spotify and Apple Music—or we could talk about the new full band E.P. I’ve spent the last few years writing and producing with friends.  It’s really beautiful and I’m very proud of it.  How about the acoustic album I’m working on as well—or the new Youtube Channel I'm working on building at www.youtube.com/mikevitalemusic  Can we talk about that, please?

Mike:  I’ll ask the questions, thank you very much.  Have you ever been in a situation when two men competed for your attention at the same time? Who won, and why?

Mike:  This is ridiculous—I’m done [removing microphone from collar and throwing it on my chair as I walk away].