A Brief Interview with Myself

Me, with my eyes closed.

Me, with my eyes closed.

I recently had the luxury of sitting down with myself to conduct an exclusive interview and wanted to share the intricacies of this conversation.  While, on a surface level, Mike seems like a wonderful person, in my own humble opinion, it became increasingly apparent as our interview unfolded that he doesn’t handle questions very well—you decide.

Mike:  So, what was the inspiration behind this interview with your self?

Mike:  Well Mike, I think a one-half serving of Playboy’s Playmate of the month interviews, and God knows what else—I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.  It’s like the story behind the breasts, except—I don’t have breasts.

Mike: Well, we should probably be moving forward to the first question.

What are your biggest turn-ons?

Mike:  Definitely when someone asks good questions—and a sense of humor.  You seem to lack one of these traits.

Mike:  What are your biggest turn-offs?

Mike:  Talking to myself: this conversation is over.  Just kidding.  

Mike:  What’s the worst place for a guy to hit on you?

Mike:  Pretty much anywhere.  I mean that politely.  I mean, it’s nice feeling attractive to either sex, but, you know…  I had a guy hit on me at a karaoke bar a few years—I was shocked by his horrible singing voice, and he was taken aback by my preference for vagina.

Mike:  What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever heard?

Mike:  It’s less of a pickup line, and more of an effort to get my attention.  The same guy I mentioned previously was snapping pictures of me from the table next to ours trying desperately to make eye contact with me—I think he had his fair share of wine that night and was craving some Italian.

Mike:  What’s the best or most creative pick-up line you’ve ever heard?

Mike:  What is it with you and pickup lines?   I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone use a pickup line on me before—I’ve had someone buy me a drink.  Does that count?

Mike:  What approach is most likely to work with you?

Mike:  Are we talking about boys or girls?  Where the hell are you getting these questions from?

Mike:  What signals do you give to a man when you want him to make the first move?

Mike:  You seriously took these questions straight out of a Playboy Playmate of the Month interview, didn’t you.  Did you consider reversing the gender to make this appropriate and applicable in terms of a standard interview?  What can someone possibly walk away with here?  They’ve learned nothing about me!

[I seem noticeably flustered].

I don’t know—maybe you could ask me some questions about my recent name change back to Mike Vitale from The Hawkline Monster.  Maybe you could ask me about why I did that?!

Who knows, we could even go out on a limb and talk about how I am re-releasing some material from the last The Hawkline Monster album, as well as the previous single, Running Away From Home in the next week or two, on all streaming services like Spotify and Apple Music—or we could talk about the new full band E.P. I’ve spent the last few years writing and producing with friends.  It’s really beautiful and I’m very proud of it.  How about the acoustic album I’m working on as well—or the new Youtube Channel I'm working on building at www.youtube.com/mikevitalemusic  Can we talk about that, please?

Mike:  I’ll ask the questions, thank you very much.  Have you ever been in a situation when two men competed for your attention at the same time? Who won, and why?

Mike:  This is ridiculous—I’m done [removing microphone from collar and throwing it on my chair as I walk away].

An Open Letter to Myself

Darcy-writing-at-desk-400x260.jpg

NOTE TO READER:  This is a very old blog I wrote in 2009.  It was published on mikevitalemusic.com and then swiftly erased several years later due to a custody dispute with my brain.  Its contents do not necessarily reflect the views of Mike Vitale.  However, in a childish attempt to shuck responsibility, I have reposted this entry as a means or further alienating myself from myself.  You had it coming, me.  Wow, I just made my head hurt.  Proceed:

Dear Mike,

I want to be upfront with you about the way I’ve felt lately, and I know that you feel the same way I do considering how close we are (both figuratively and physically).  I need you to know that the decisions you make have a profound effect on my happiness and general comfort level—and I must say, your decisions lately have inevitably led to a great deal of discomfort and unhappiness on my part, hence this letter.

You see, it all started with your latest purchase: a pair of briefs, underwear, at the local designer clothing store.  For years now, you have done right by me, taking great care in purchasing what I prefer: boxer briefs.  Generally, and in my humble opinion, I think you look far more attractive in them; they are loose and casual, comfortable and dynamic in their flow and adhesiveness.  I feel quite at home in them.  

Now, I am all about self-exploration.  I mean, come on.  We’ve had our fair share of creative shenanigans together (you remember that time with the rubber bands?), and I certainly want you to try new things, or, in this particular case, retry new old things that you used to do twenty to twenty five years ago, when you didn’t have a choice.  Christmas was always socks and Fruit of the Loom briefs from mom and dad (hi mom and dad).  But I digress.

Look, I was fine when you came home with the first pair of brand new designer briefs from the store a week or two ago, but then, as if to add insult to injury, just a few days ago, YOU BOUGHT TWO MORE PAIR!  What on Earth were you thinking?!  I feel dizzy and sweaty just thinking about it.  It’s like I’m stuck with this decision in much the same manner as I am your leg, and I don’t like it!  No sir!  

It’s like my creativity and general comfort level suffocates as the borders of your briefs draw closer and closer to me with every wash and dry cycle  Those 100% cotton abominations of nature!  YOU should be ashamed!  That wedgie you are feeling right now up your fault line is no fault of mine and you know it!  Think of the cocoa brown stains that could happen if you weren’t thorough!  What would a lady friend think of that?  Answer me!

[deep breath] I’m sorry…

I need to know: is it something I did or said?  Look, I love you, and I want you to be happy.  Talk to me.  We can work this out.  I just want everything (specifically, underwear) to be more like how they used to be—when the things between us were young, new, fresh, more boxer-brief-like, and consensual.

Sincerely,

Your Testicles

New Single Available on July 20th 2017

Running Away From Home by Mike Vitale 

TOP LEFT: Mike Vitale and Matthew James Vitale. TOP RIGHT:  Mike Vitale.  BOTTOM RIGHT:  Donna Vitale and Mike Vitale

Hey!

Did I ever tell you about that time I ran away from home when I was in second grade, because I wanted to be a werewolf?  

Well, the single for "Running Away From Home" is being released tomorrow (July 20th 2017) on all major digital distribution sites including iTunes, Amazon, Etc.  It is also available to stream on all major streaming services including Spotify, Apple Music, Tidal, Pandora, and so forth.

I'm very proud of how the song turned out and I have a wealth of wonderful musicians who made this track what it is.  Thank you to Frank Reina for his drumming and engineering skills on the kit, Brad Cummings for his work on the bass, and to Tom Bremer for his country guitar chops.  Holy shit: you guys knocked it out of the park.  Also, thank you to Chris Karn for such a great mix.

This has been a long time in the making and I would be thrilled if you all help me spread the word to friends and family if you like the song.  I have two more singles that I just wrapped up the mixes on today: No Vacancy and The Needle of the Human Race.  As always, thank you so very much for your continued enthusiasm and support and for being a part of this journey of mine.  It is so deeply appreciated and I am humbled to have your attention.

Friday July 7th 2017 at Hotel Cafe

Click the flyer to purchase tickers in advance!

Click the flyer to purchase tickers in advance!

Tonight, I'm playing some songs I wrote at Hotel Cafe in Los Angeles for Lilac Sessions Presents.  

I'm aiming for a good time, and your heart (in no particular order).

The show starts at 10pm with Marcus von Rittberg, I go on at 11pm, and Chris Loggins hits the stage at midnight.

$8 for advanced tickets.  Click the flyer to visit the website and purchase your today.  It's going to be $10 at the door.

Hope to see you all on Friday July 7th!

- Mike Vitale

Hotel Cafe on June 7th 2017

I'm playing a full band show at The Hotel Cafe on Wednesday June 7th at 8pm. I've got Frank Reina and Brad Cummings as a rhythm section.  Damn.  These guys are fucking incredible.

The show is 21+ and it's $10 at the door.

Scott Mickelson is going to be in town from San Francisco, CA playing at 7pm.  He is a great singer songwriter and totally worth checking out.  Come early!

Advanced tickets are available by clicking the image to your left, or the link below:

https://www.hotelcafe.com/tickets/?s=events_view&id=6379